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Understanding and Overcoming Emotional Eating
by Melinda Overson, Food Psychology Coach
For years I laughingly labeled myself as a "closet eater" or an "emotional eater," without ever really believing it. It's that kind of weird reverse pride some of us have; a kind of comparison contest to see who behaves the worst, whose house is messiest, whose kids are wildest. I suppose I took some kind of satisfaction in knowing that I was actually better than I claimed to be. And then I went on a diet.
It was more of an experiment, really, to see if I could actually do it and succeed. Admittedly, I was not exactly proud of my eating habits, and I kind of wanted to find out how attached to comfort foods I really was. This diet was pretty strict -- low calorie, meat protein-based, low carb with an emphasis on veggies, and absolutely no sugar, except a tiny amount of fruit. I've got to admit, it was tough. For the first few days, I was pretty depressed about not being able to choose my favorite foods. I don't care for meat much, and had been really dependent on sweets. But, I started losing weight right away, so there was some motivational pull to keep going.
I was bumping along down this somewhat rocky path when a sizable boulder rose up right in the middle. I had to have surgery. Not a major surgery, by any means, but because the surgery was prescribed in order to see if cancer was involved, it was pretty stressful. This was the second week of my diet. Now, under "normal" circumstances, I would worry for a while and then drown my sorrows in a lovely batch of home made chocolate chip cookies.
After finishing the phone call with the doctor's office, I paced the room a few times as visions of those cookies swirled before my eyes. I could almost taste the soft, sugary dough, and envisioned biting into a crispy cookie with a chewy center, with chocolate melting over my tongue. But no. I was on this blasted diet, and I was not going to give in. Absolutely not! Cookies were just cookies! I didn't need them! So, what did I do? I wept. I had a good, heart-felt cry. And you know what? I hated it. It made me feel helpless and angry. And that's when I realized the truth: For most of my adult life, I had been covering up my feelings with food. I really was an emotional eater.
We Are ALL Emotional Eaters
Now, lets get clear -- if you inhale and exhale, if your heart is pumping and your brain works -- in other words, if you are alive -- you are an emotional eater. Before you emphatically deny it, consider this truth: No one eats just to stay alive. We are not cold machines, calculating every possible needed nutrient and eating only the essential nutrients to stay alive. Eating food encompasses much more than merely sustaining life.
Most of us live by our emotions -- our actions and decisions are almost always based on how we feel about something. In his book, Emotional Design: Why We Love or Hate Everyday Things, Donald A. Norman explains that emotions are critical to our daily lives, and that it is through our emotions that we decide if a situation is good or bad, safe or dangerous. So, our emotions are essential to daily decision making.
Let's put this back into the context of eating. Remember, our daily decisions are affected by how we feel. If food had no taste, texture, or pleasure factor, your relationship with food would be purely mechanical. The only reason to eat it would be to stay alive. Your approach to food in that case might be, "My stomach feels totally empty. I'm going to have to take in nutrients so I can keep functioning." But, our bodies simply aren't wired that way. As a protection to our survival, we are designed to want food, and wanting something triggers emotions.
Think about the last time you ate and enjoyed a completely satisfying meal. (I mean it. Close your eyes and think back!) What made it satisfying for you? Did you feel nourished? Did you enjoy the flavors and textures? Did your stomach feel comfortable? Chances are, your enjoyment of the meal resulted from more than just knowing that your body got a dose of vitamins and minerals. Maybe the meal took place in a relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere, or there was a perfect combination of colors, textures, and flavors. Perhaps you felt ravenous at the beginning of the meal and perfectly full at the end. Whatever made the meal satisfying for you affected your emotions in one way or another. Even when you are driven to eat from pure hunger and no other reason, your actual food choices are directed by emotion or desired pleasure. You might choose something salty because that's what you're in the mood for -- or something crunchy, sweet, etc.
How To Begin
So, if we are all naturally emotional eaters, why does everyone talk about "emotional eating" as if it's a bad thing? Simply put, emotional eating can be abused. Yes, it's natural for our emotions to guide us through the eating and nourishment experience; but, emotional eating stops being something natural and turns into a problem when the food is eaten to replace or justify certain feelings and emotions rather than confronting and working through the actual feelings themselves -- just like what happened to me when I wanted to eat cookies to help cover up the emotions related to my surgery. Of course, everything seems much simpler on paper. In reality, it's not a matter of just dealing with your feelings and getting on with life. There's so much more to consider. So how to begin?
Before you can do anything, you need to know when you are eating to replace or cover up certain emotions. In other words, why are you eating? The first step is to recognize hunger. Simple, right? You're hungry, you need food, so you eat. Isn't hunger just hunger? Not exactly. There is a difference between physical hunger -- the kind that makes your stomach fold in knots until you eat something -- and emotional hunger, which can occur whether or not your stomach is actually empty.
True Hunger
The big question is: How do we know if our hunger is physical or emotional? The first trick (and this can be really tricky for some) is to know what hunger feels like. Do you remember the last time you were really hungry? I mean seriously hungry. Your stomach was growling and cramping, you found it hard to concentrate, you became irritable, and you couldn't get busy enough to just ignore it. You had to eat! This is true hunger. Here's the trick, though -- many people have forgotten what it's like to wait until actual hunger sets in before they eat. Sometimes there's even a fear of feeling hungry. The number one concern of people who are beginning a diet is "Am I going to be hungry?" It's as if hunger is the worst thing that could possibly happen, and signals the onset of death!
The truth is, it's okay to feel hungry. Hunger is the natural way for your body to send signals to your brain that say, "Okay, it's time to fuel up. I'm ready for some energy." Obviously, you don't want to starve yourself, and shouldn't. You don't want to eat so little that you're hungry even after you've eaten. But you should let yourself reach a level of actual physical hunger before you eat. Here's a lesson I've learned on my journey to meaningful eating: Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Hunger is not necessarily a comfortable feeling, but its function is important. Let your body do its work. Don't let a fear of hunger stop you from living consciously -- the hunger will be relieved as soon as you eat.
Remember how I described true hunger as growling, cramping, impossible-to-ignore hunger? Before you start thinking you have to feel terrible before you can eat, let me explain the Hunger Scale. (Many fitness and nutrition pros encourage clients to use a hunger scale, so you may already be familiar with this.) Here's how it works: If you were to rate your hunger on a scale of 1 - 10, with 1 meaning that you just stuffed yourself and 10 being light-headed, shaky, and weak, you'll be able to tune in to how hungry you really are.
Ultimately, you shouldn't eat until you've reached at least a 7 on the scale, which is when your stomach is beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. Note that with true hunger, it's possible to use the scale because the hungry feelings start small and gradually intensify. So, if you use this scale and simply tune in to your physical hunger cues, it's easy, right? It can be easier, but remember that our emotions and desires factor in to all of this as well.
Enter Emotional Hunger
Emotional hunger acts differently than true physical hunger. First of all, emotional hunger usually comes on suddenly and intensely. While true hunger does get more intense over time, it is possible to put off eating for a while. Not so with emotional hunger. There's no slow build-up; you want to eat, and you want it now. This type of hunger is usually triggered by feelings of boredom, stress, loneliness, anger, sadness, and even happiness.
The sudden cravings that come with emotional hunger are very real, which is why it's often so difficult to separate them from true hunger. When you eat in response to those emotions, you're reacting to your emotions without actually having to confront them. You are misusing food in order to cope with life. Emotional hunger is true escapism at its worst. We create a false sense of control for ourselves by stuffing the emotions away and pretending that everything is okay. This coping mechanism is faulty, though -- life's problems are there even after the food is gone.
So, we've covered a little of what emotional hunger feels like -- now how do you stop it? First, you need to have some understanding of the purpose of emotions. If you think about it, most of us talk about emotions in negative terms, as if we shouldn't have to experience them at all. Phrases like "Just get over it!" come to mind.
The truth is, every human on the planet is wired with emotions, and feelings do serve an essential purpose by helping us navigate through life's experiences. Emotions are signals within your body that tell you what's happening, like having instant messaging with constant status updates. Their role is to keep us safe from harm or danger and guide us toward good and pleasurable things. Basically, our emotions direct us to and through a meaningful, full life of experiences.
In her book, The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You, Karla McLaren describes the vital role of emotions:
Doesn't that sound fantastic? Wouldn't you like to move forward as a "whole and functional person"? I'll bet you do. Then why do we turn to food instead of utilizing this amazing source within ourselves? Simply put, food is easy. Unlike drugs or alcohol, food is a legal, socially acceptable way to cover up our problems and avoid confronting our true selves. Food offers a sense of security. Things around us change all of the time, but food stays the same. You can always count on it to be there for you. It's a friend that will never leave you.
But friends can sometimes get in the way of what is truly best for you. Remember the purpose of physical hunger? It's the signal your body uses to tell you that it needs nourishment and attention. Its purpose is essential to your health, and it keeps you tuned in to the needs of your body.
Now read this next statement carefully, because it's important! Just as it's okay (and necessary!) to feel the discomfort of true hunger, you need to allow yourself to feel the discomfort that your emotions can produce. Why? Your emotions keep you tuned in to your own personal needs. Feelings offer you protection as your personal security system. Acknowledging and feeling your emotions allows you to take steps toward healing and self discovery. It allows you to communicate with yourself. Why would you want to do that? Because you have value as a person. You are worth the effort!
Let's dig in to some of the things you can do. Keep in mind that none of the changes you'll be making will happen overnight. It takes time, effort, dedication, and most of all, personal forgiveness. Overcoming negative habits is never easy, but always, always worth it. A word of caution: If you feel that you may have an eating disorder, please be sure seek therapy with a health care provider who can help you. Overcoming an eating disorder will need more than the coaching that this article provides.
Keep a Journal
This step is my personal favorite. When you feel emotional hunger coming on and you head for food, make it a rule to pick up your journal before you start eating. Do NOT eat while writing! Start by writing about what happened a few moments ago. If you can't pinpoint a reason for your emotional hunger, just write about your day, how you've been feeling, what's been going on. Write about what you want to eat and why you like it.
Each time you write, you'll get more comfortable with what to write. Get down and dirty about how you really feel about the things going on around you. When you write these things down, you are allowing yourself to acknowledge what you are really feeling. Simple acknowledgment is a huge step to utilizing your emotions.
After a few days of journaling, read your past entries. Chances are, you will see a pattern in the types of emotions that trigger your emotional hunger. You will probably also find a pattern in which situations are triggering those emotions. When you know what is really causing the difficulties in your life, you can make amazing changes!
Here's a more specific journal exercise. Write down all of the categories that you feel are important facets of your life, such as family, spirituality, work, friends, health, career, etc. Leave some space under each category heading. Take a good look at each category, and write down how things are going for each one. Be brutally honest. If things are going well, write down your positive thoughts. If there are some disappointments, write them down and then ponder what you can do to improve that area of your life. Dissatisfaction in these important facets of your life can surface with a vengeance in the form of emotional eating. When you address it, you can eliminate the need to fill that disappointment with food. Revisit the list often, and re-evaluate what's going on.
(For more information, see Keep a Food Journal)
Hunger Check
Don't forget the importance of the Hunger Scale! It's an essential tool in your emotional eating arsenal. You can't combat emotional hunger until you recognize and acknowledge that it's a part of your life. Any time you feel the urge to eat, always take a moment to rate the level of your hunger. If you haven't reached a 7 on the scale, you'll need to focus in on what's going on around you and utilize one of the other techniques. Utilizing the Hunger Scale with honesty will help you to decide if you actually need to eat, or if you really need to focus in on your feelings.
Eat Consciously
If you are really worried about your ability to make changes in emotional eating, this is a great first step. When you turn in emotional distress to food, you probably tend to choose foods that seem decadent, comforting, and/or enjoyable. But when you eat to cover emotions, are you really tasting and enjoying the food you eat? Probably not.
A lot of the time, eating to cover up emotions isn't an enjoyable experience. You may not even really taste what you are eating. Let's say that you had a horrible commute home from work, so as soon as you get home you grab a carton of ice cream from the freezer. If you turn on the TV and start eating strait from the carton, you're going to eat way more than you need emotionally, and when you're finished you'll feel worse for having done it. That leads to more bingeing later.
If you are going to give in to emotional eating anyway, there's a way to do it without sabotaging yourself. Get out a bowl and dish up your ice cream. I'm not talking about a diet serving. Dish up however much you really think you'll want to eat. (If it's a candy bar, brownie, whatever -- serve it up nicely!) Find a comfortable, pleasant place to sit. Turn down the lights and light a candle at the dining table if you want! Then, give yourself up to real enjoyment of that ice cream. Watch how the spoon sinks in. When you take a bite, search out the different flavors and textures. Taste it! Eat slowly. Savor every bite you take. If you eat the entire serving, fine. Chances are, you'll feel satisfied before you reach the bottom of the bowl. If that happens, get rid of it and move on with your life.
When you eat to enjoy, you are connecting with your feelings and your body, and you'll find yourself eating less than if you just gobbled it down. As you improve in your habits and choices, you'll find that you don't need to binge at all.
Distract Yourself
Ultimately, you need to learn to soothe yourself without food. Think about things you enjoy doing. Get a pencil and paper and write them down. Get creative! There are many, many layers to your personality. Don't be afraid to look beyond the surface (the "you" that you present to the outside world) and consider who you really are.
Include little pleasures and the big ones. Your list might include things like: read a book, take a bubble bath, go on a walk, call a friend (a specific list of friends can help you when you are really fighting the urge to eat!), play with your dog, check your social network, organize a shelf, write in your journal, go work out, work in the garden -- you get the idea. Post the list on your fridge where you'll see it, and add to it any time you think of something else you like to do. When that emotional hunger hits, check your list and do one of those items before you eat something. Use the down time to think through your feelings, if possible, and work on solutions.
Don't Deprive Yourself
It's true that some treats usually aren't the best choices for your health. But consider this: Unless you have diabetes or some other special health situation, treats are not bad for you -- given the right amounts. It's okay to have a treat occasionally, as long as you aren't doing it all the time. We all need little pleasures in our lives. Letting yourself enjoy favorite treats occasionally will help you stick to healthier choices over the long haul.
Your attitude toward food really factors in here. There is a huge difference between "I can't have that" and "I choose not to have that right now." When you choose not to have something, you are deliberately doing yourself a healthful favor. That's a good thing. Be careful, though, to remember that it really is a choice. Nobody is making you do it. You haven't been forbidden to have that food, and the food itself is not controlling you. Telling yourself you can't have something is simply going to make you feel deprived and depressed. Choosing not to have something puts a whole different spin on things. You might try saying to yourself, "I can have this, I'm just not going to eat it right now."
Eat, or Don't Eat
I'm not just talking about eating, here -- I'm talking about guilt. When you are faced with food, you have the power to make a deliberate choice: Eat, or don't eat.
When you are deciding whether or not to eat a treat, there is something you should consider. We often look at foods that we like -- but feel we shouldn't have -- and think that if we eat it we are giving in to something bad. You need to understand that food is not inherently bad or good. Have you ever heard someone refer to a luscious brownie as evil? Or heard someone say a donut is bad? I'm willing to bet you've even said it yourself at some point. The truth is, the brownie doesn't have evil intentions. Donuts are not out to get you. The food itself is not trying to tempt you, and doesn't care whether you eat it or not.
If you are going to eat, then do it and enjoy it. Think about the ridiculousness of choosing to eat something delectable and feeling guilty with every bite. If you can't make the choice to eat with enjoyment, then don't eat! There are so many things going on in your life at any given time, there is no room for guilt over food. You have the power and the right to decide whether or not to eat in any situation!
Breathe
Stress is probably the biggest single factor in emotional eating, because every negative emotion can and does bring on a stress response. Stress is such a huge factor in eating and weight loss that it would take an entire article just to cover it all. However, there are some points I can bring up here that will help.
The effects of stress are not just emotional; stress affects you physiologically as well. When your body is in a stress response, your digestive system starts to shut down. Even "small stress" can put your body into this stress response. Breathing to relax is a physical way to counterbalance the effects of stress. Especially when you eat, take the time to relax into eating. Take several slow breaths before beginning to eat. Eat slowly. Breathe deeply in between bites. Reducing your stress around food will help you to eat consciously.
Important, But Not Urgent
There are other factors that affect our emotional eating in addition to the actual emotions we are feeling. We have a tendency to want things now, rather than later. A thin body? That's in the future -- it's not going to happen right away. The desire for something sweet? It's right in front of you. You can have it now.
Indulging in the "now" is putting off something important in favor of something that feels urgent, but is really not important. It's like breaking off a heart-felt conversation with a loved one because the phone is ringing. It doesn't even matter if the call is computer-generated! That ringing phone can create a sense of urgency in us that causes us to stop doing what we are doing, even if it's really important. Keeping that important goal in mind is imperative when faced with the urgency our emotions can create.
It's a Process
You're human, not a machine. Life's experiences, family, friends, work, spirituality, and a myriad of other things affect how you feel at any given moment. No matter how much you plan and prepare, your circumstances can change, and your emotions are going to kick in. Remember, your emotions are essential to your survival in your personal world. They will guide you to make decisions and help you navigate your world, if you let them. As you work toward better health and better eating, keep in mind that it's a process! You must give yourself room to make mistakes, and always, always save space for forgiveness.
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